Separation Anxiety
by Mary B. Wolf
Summary: Kakashi gets a little more than he bargained for during his usual post-mission visit to the memorial stone. "They gave their lives for yours, you selfish bastard! The least you could do is live it!" KakaSaku if you swing that way. Implied ObitoRin.
1. Part I

[/insert standard disclaimer]

* * *

Kakashi hadn't heard Sakura's approach, or even sensed her presence until she sighed.

"Visiting your team again, sensei?" she murmured.

He didn't give his reply to her hip, since the answer was obvious- and part of a routine. She would track him here after missions, frisk him for injuries and then drag him to Ichiraku's with updates on Naruto's condition. It was strangely comforting, the routine. She never asked about his past, presumably trusting that he'd tell her when he felt comfortable doing so.

Then she was standing beside him, hands reaching out to brush along their names, her head bowed in a quick, silent prayer.

"Why do you come here so often?" she asked softly, turning to face him fully.

"I killed them," he muttered, avoiding looking up to meet her beryl eyes and staring past her at the obsidian stone behind her. Kakashi wondered what the hell was going on. Sakura almost never asked him questions anymore; on the rare occasion she did, it was always about his injuries and their recovery status, his most recent mission, or his vague plans.

She snorted. "Nonsense."

He said nothing.

"They don't blame you, you know," whispered the girl.

"They should," he answered darkly. "How would you know they don't blame me, anyway?" He couldn't help the scathing look he sent at her.

Sakura only smiled, a bizarre mixture of grim and happy.

"I've been speaking with them since you've been gone," she remarked, seeming smug.

Kakashi grunted, not amused. "What else have they said about me, then?"

"Oh, not much," she replied airily. "But they've alluded to your history with Obito-kun, and Rin-chan is very pretty. They make such a cute couple."

They sat in silence for a few moments, each of them eyeing the other and the stone.

"They're happy, Kakashi-sensei, in their afterlives. Even Minato-sama. The only grievance they have...is you. And I agree with them," Sakura stated, somber and soft, gazing directly at him now. "They- _we_- all hate what you're doing to yourself in your remembrance of them."

He kept his silence.

"They say," she continued, oblivious to how his back had stiffened, and the shocked rage building in his face, "that you're too wrapped up in your past to see what's in your present. They're sick of seeing you at the memorial all the time, sick of you passing up opportunities that would be _great_ for you, because you've already dedicated all your time to them. The dead can see you no matter where you go, you know."

Kakashi still didn't answer, just kept staring at the rock, implacable.

It infuriated her, his indifference to his friends' opinions.

"They gave their lives to save yours, you selfish bastard! The least you can do is live it!"

That garnered a response at last.

"How the hell would you know what they gave their lives for?" he hissed. "You never met any of them! They were all dead long before you were born!"

Finally Sakura knelt to face the stone, though the motions were slow and difficult.

"I know," she whispered brokenly, "because it's what _I_ gave _my_ life for." Her hand stretched out again, this time to trace a name closer to the end of the long list and Kakashi saw...

_Haruno Sakura_

Carved into eternity.

His breathing stopped, and he couldn't stop staring at her. Suddenly, the gaping wound in her abdomen was plain as day, and he wondered how he could have missed it before.

She looked up at him and smiled.

"It didn't hurt," she murmured. "Dying, I mean." Her voice faded, carried away on the breeze. Eyes shining with tears, she forced happiness into her laugh as she told him, "I meant what I said. Every one of us wants you to stop feeling so guilty for something you had no control over, because it's useless and all you're doing is weighing us down. Obito-kun and Rin-chan want you to live the life they gave theirs for. And so do I. Because I love you."

Sakura tamed her smile into seriousness. "Keep blaming yourself and I'll haunt you and it won't be pretty, understand?"

Then she was gone, a last smile on her pretty, bloody lips, and somehow Kakashi knew he would never quite forget that expression in her eyes when she looked at him.

* * *

I've had this swirling in my thoughts for a long time, and have had it written for a while- even before sakura haru posted her amazing oneshot _Kaidan: Ghost Story_- but I want to mention it here, if only to give her a bit more well-deserved publicity. This is only part one. I've a little more yet, at least two more parts, if anyone cares. Also, if anyone cares to tell me if I screwed something up, I'd appreciate it. I proofread it, but I'm only human. (If you want to worship something, worship Christ, okay? He's done a _lot_ more for the world than I could ever dream of doing.)


	2. Part II

[/insert standard disclaimer because author is too lazy to think up something witty and sarcastic]

* * *

Autopsy Report

Name: Haruno Sakura

Date of Birth: 28 March

Date of Death: Unknown

Age: 19

Occupation: Kunoichi

Rank: Jonin; Special Jonin, Medical

Cause of Death: Indeterminate

Notes: Massive trauma to torso. Apparent sword wound; possible fire jutsu attached to blade. Blood pooled in heart and lungs. No sign of drowning. No sign of torture/sexual assault. Multiple lacerations to face, head, and limbs. Death during unranked, highly classified mission of unknown length.

Mission Status: Complete

Signature: _Shiranui Shizune _

_

* * *

_

Part Two. I'm not very happy with it, especially the Notes' section, but this is the best I could do, having never seen an autopsy report before. So, meh. Part Three is still in the works. I don't know how long it's going to be.


	3. Part III

[insert witty disclaimer here]

* * *

He jolted upward, gasping for breath and pouring sweat. That dream had seemed all too real; Sakura confronting him at the KIA monument, and her autopsy report appearing in his hands, clear enough for him to read, and long enough for him to memorize most of it.

"Shiranui, huh? Congratulations, moron," he muttered to himself.

Quickly, he surveyed his surroundings from the massive oak tree he'd perched in at one that morning, only about two miles from the southern gates. There was nothing until an early morning songbird decided to awaken the dawn chorus. He'd only had a few hours' sleep but he knew he had to get going to report to the Hokage, something that would happen the moment he set foot in the village, regardless of what time of day or night it was- the reason he had taken a break early that morning.

Kakashi sighed heavily and set off for home.

--

His routine, contrary to what appeared to be popular opinion, had always been to debrief with the Hokage before heading off the cenotaph to hold vigil for Obito and Rin and Minato.

Thus how he'd ended up carrying two lilies to the monument. Naruto had pressed him into service, asking him to present them to "my two favorite girls" with a sad look on his face and assuring him they'd be found there.

"Two favorite girls?" he asked himself. He entered the clearing, twirling the flowers' stems between his fingers. "There's no one here," he said aloud. "Hokage-sama, you're a little young to be going senile." Kakashi sniffed the air, trying to pick up the scent of a human; he caught only animal and plant smells.

Then he shrugged. Naruto wanted the flowers gone, is all, he told himself. Approaching the stone carved with names, his eyes automatically sought those of his dearest friends. He traced their names with one finger, laying the flowers on the flat top of the rock. Only after he'd paid what he considered proper respects to his fallen loved ones did he allow his gaze to slide over the newly etched names- without really taking them in.

He knelt in front of the stone to meditate, doing his damndest to shake off the feeling of déjà vu. He almost expected Sakura to sneak up behind him, even though, last he knew, she'd been on a long-term mission.

--

He'd been back for weeks, slipping into his routine of avoiding people and reading on rooftops, before Genma finally managed to snare him into a group outing- at a bar, surprise, surprise. The noise inside was close to deafening, but their corner booth was far from the cacophony and Kakashi heard it quite clearly when Genma yelled, "Where on earth is my wife?"

"Wife?" Kakashi asked.

"Ah...right," sighed the senbon user. "You wouldn't know. Shizune and I hooked up while you were gone."

"That was one hell of a hookup, Genma," Kakashi stated dryly. "Did you get her pregnant or something?"

The brown-haired man scowled. "You were gone for eight months, man," he retorted. "A lot has changed since you left." The look on his face changed to mild regret. "That attack cost us a lot. I almost lost her..."

"What the idiot is trying to say," Anko cut in, seeing the look of confusion Kakashi wore, "is that he fell in love but she almost died on a mission with the team, so he married her the second she woke up."

"I doubt she was sober when she said yes," Ibiki added, teasingly, which shocked only Kakashi. Apparently, a lot _had_ changed while he'd been gone.

"Like Naruto becoming Hokage, and the hospital losing two of its key staff members, even though Tsunade-sama is doing a fine job as head of the hospital now," Kurenai said softly, having lost track of the conversation after Genma had said a lot had changed. "Shizune's is only temporary- maternity leave- but Sakura...we miss her."

"What does that mean, 'we miss her?'" demanded Kakashi, trying not to appear alarmed. "I thought she had some long-term undercover assignment somewhere, but that she'd be back."

_She _will_ be back,_ he told himself firmly. _Genma's marriage is a fluke. He's always had the hots for Shizune. That dream _was not _real._

"You didn't know?" Anko asked, clearly bewildered. "How the hell'd you miss her name? It's on the stone- you visit it every damn day!"

"Stone?" The word fell, flat and cold and dry, from his lips while the rest of his face went carefully blank.

"She's dead, Kakashi," Kurenai answered. "She has been for over two months. Shizune performed the autopsy herself."

"Yeah," remarked Genma bitterly. "Two weeks after our wedding. She should've been home with me, but she said it wouldn't feel right if someone else did it."

Kakashi was gone by this point, racing across the village to the hospital. He needed to see for himself.

"Sir, you can't be here," started the nurse in the records room as he barged in. "This is a classified area. Medical personnel only."

He ignored her and stalked to the row marked _Ha - He, Ninja._

"You can't _be_ here!" the nurse cried. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave no- "

"Try," he growled, pulling a kunai on her, half-crazed. "Try and make me, _civilian_," he gritted out hoarsely. The last word was emphasized as derogatory.

She froze, staring warily at the shiny weapon. Slowly, her hands went up and she started backing away, whimpering. When she reached the door, she bolted like a frightened rabbit.

Kakashi began his search for Sakura's file- a short task, considering how well-organized the records were. Shizune did good work- he remembered Sakura singing her praises when she'd changed the filing system.

He regretted how easy it was to find. It was far too soon that Sakura's entire medical history was in his hands, far too soon that he saw the topmost document on the left-hand side, paper-clipped under a photo in which dead eyes stared from a chalky face.

The first thing he noticed on the autopsy report was Shizune's scrawled signature. Then other words threw themselves into his vision.

_Massive trauma...fire jutsu...blood pooled...torture..._

It was too much. Kakashi dropped the folder, scattering medical documents and photos of various battle injuries, and slid to the floor, stunned.

He lost track of time. One minute, he was staring at a picture of a burn on Sakura's hip which stretched up her ribs to just under her breast, and the next, Tsunade was slapping him repeatedly across the face. He heard her voice, distant and tinny, saying his name, ordering him to come back to himself.

"Breathe, you fool!" she screamed at him. She rounded on the nurse who'd brought her. "Send someone for the Hokage, and then I want you to prep a bed and a tranq for him- " she jerked a thumb at Kakashi "- because if suspicion proves true, we'll need to sedate him."

"Yes, Tsunade-sama," the nurse murmured, leaving at a brisk walk.

There was a frown on the jonin's face; he wanted to speak but wouldn't- not until Naruto was there.

By the time the Rokudaime arrived, Kakashi had been led to a room, sat in a chair and given a cup of weak, lukewarm tea which he refused to touch except to hurl it against a wall. The cup shattered, no doubt grating on Tsunade's nerves- not that he cared, because it certainly made _him_ feel better.

"Granny, what is it?" Naruto asked when he entered. "Civilian messengers always screw up the message. Get some ninja runners for the hospital, geez. The stupid genin are whining about how there are no missions- hire some of them."

"When did you plan to tell me she was dead?" Kakashi grated from the window where he stood.

"Tell you who was dead, sensei?" Naruto asked blithely. Tsunade handed him Sakura's file. "Oh." His face fell. "Right."

"'Oh. Right,'" he mimicked furiously. "Is that all you can say? Sakura was...she was...was _precious_ to me- _dammit_- and no one bothered to inform me of her death. That's just wonderful, thank you- "

Abruptly, his rant ended; he'd realized he _was_ ranting. He was still thoroughly enraged, however, and it showed in his rigid posture and frosty, flinty gaze.

"Your two favorite girls, Hokage-sama, at the memorial," he murmured icily. "Sakura and..." He trailed off, clearly expecting him to fill in the blank.

"Hinata," whispered Naruto, looking away with tears in his eyes. "She was part of the team we sent in response to Sakura's SOS signal. No one survived."

"Where...?" He couldn't bring himself to ask the questions he desperately needed the answers to.

"Two miles south-southwest of the village," Tsunade replied curtly. "She was found under a large oak tree at approximately four in the morning. There was nothing anyone could do by the time we got there- she had been clinically dead for at least ten minutes, she had lost nearly all of the blood in her body, and the damage to her internal organs was too great to fix, especially by myself in the field."

Kakashi felt the urge to vomit suddenly. A large oak tree two miles south-southwest of Konoha?

He'd slept in such a tree.

The realization slammed through him with more force than anything he'd ever been hit with- and he'd been subjected to both Tsunade's and Sakura's wrath; neither woman was particularly restrained when it came to temper.

He'd slept in the tree under which one of his most precious people had died.

"Oh, God," he breathed, and left the room.

* * *

Sorry it's so long. I didn't want stop coming out. Even where I cut it off, it was still going, which means there's a Part IV, for anyone who cares, and it'll be fairly short, as well as the last. Unbeta'd, as per my usual.

Li Michal - _Animalia_ hates me right now. I'm sorry. And I'll be damned if it isn't a part I really wanted to write, too.


	4. Part IV

[insert witty disclaimer here]

* * *

The voice speaking to him in his mind wasn't his own.

_Kakashi-sensei,_ it said. _You idiot. I was dead months before you came home. You have _no_ reason to blame yourself. You couldn't have saved me. So STOP._

It was Sakura's.

He smiled, trying to resist asking-

_You want to know why I'm here._ He could hear the amusement in her voice. _Where are those brilliant deductive reasoning skills of yours?_ She chuckled. _I told you I'd haunt you. Silly man._

"This isn't so bad, as hauntings go," Kakashi commented idly.

_I haven't started haunting,_ she murmured. _You won't be pleased to hear my voice come morning at the latest._

So it went. Sakura chattered all night. _The dead don't need sleep, after all,_ she told him, giggling. She moved things and threw her voice. Then she'd seem to settle and he'd start to drift off, only to be startled awake by the metallic clang of a spoon against a pot right beside his ear. The only thing she didn't do was grope him.

It took two weeks of constant annoying until Kakashi broke, and what really did it was Sakura hiding his books and spare masks from him.

"What do you _want_ from me?" he bellowed. He didn't know why he bellowed, just that it felt like the right thing to do. "I can't just instantaneously let go of everything I've carried- " He stopped.

_I know that, silly,_ Sakura said. _We just want you try. We want you to make an effort, that's all._

"Will it get you to quit bothering me?" Kakashi demanded.

_Of course it will,_ she replied. _The only unfinished business I had here was you. Once you're taken care of, I can fully die. Your team, too, because they're around. They chose me as their representative. Something about they like the way I deal with you, because I don't_ _take any crap, or something._

"I don't want you to go," he said plainly.

_That's too bad, sensei,_ replied his spitfire spirit. _I'll eventually get angrier and angrier until I attack _you_, not just your stuff._

"I'll miss you," he finally mumbled.

_And I'll miss you, Kakashi,_ Sakura replied gently. _You were my favorite first genin teacher,_ she added fondly.

"Yeah," sighed the jonin.

_I'll be seeing you, _she whispered, and her presence vanished.

"We won't be separated much longer," he called to everyone he'd loved who'd gone on; he knew Sakura would pass on his message.

The anxiety of waiting for the separation of his soul and body was gone.

He smiled.

* * *

Part IV! Hurray, it's finished! Although I think the end is too atypical...I disappoint myself with it. Oh well.

Thank you to my readers, reviewers, and favoriter(s).


End file.
